No, I did not get arrested or carded (not recently at least...carded) but these last few days I've been struggling a little with an identity crisis. Something I feel like is probably pretty common with new(ish) moms but that doesn't really make it any easier. While I love being a wife and mother and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, I'm feeling like I lost a little of myself in the year-ish transition.
While some people dream of being a stay-at-home-mom, it's hard for me. I never thought I would be and I completely miss the social aspects and self-confidence booster that comes from working. Unfortunately I haven't been able to find anything (work-wise) that would allow us to be in the financial situation to put TJ in a daycare that I'd be comfortable with. Nor would I consider asking my mom and dad to take TJ like so many people I know- I feel like that's too much of a burden on them and they're done raising kids (paid their dues if you will) and now they should be able to have the freedom that they deserve in retirement. Besides, they help quite a bit as it is and need to spread their love and time between three grandkids!
I envy those who either had the ability to take their time and enjoy their marriage for a few years before diving into having children as well as those who fell into parenthood like it was a familiar, warm, cozy bed. It amazes me to see some of Acy's friend as well as my own two friends that have babies, seemingly navigate their first born with ease while I constantly feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above the water and my baby alive and looked after (he wants for nothing though people!)
I realize that I should be writing about how amazing he is (because he really IS a genius) and all of the growth he's gone through and not whining about how I cringe when I hear him crying at night because his teeth hurt (I think), but I can't help but look myself over as a parent at this juncture in time and grade myself. But how do you grade yourself in parenting? Technically he's still alive, thriving- has more chins than a Chinese phone book- and developmentally seems to be doing well. I just feel as though that's all a fluke of his own accord and not anything that I've really done to get him there. So, how do you know when enough is good enough? How or WHEN do you manage to just KNOW what your baby needs and when?
I think you are always changing and growing as a mom. I've had people comment to me that I seem to be a very relaxed and easy parent but no one hears my thoughts when he does cry and I sometimes start to lose patience. I certainly don't broadcast the times where I feel a little depressed and lonely and wish I could just have a weekend to myself and not think or worry about my baby. Those times aren't always, and I wouldn't regret anything in the last 7 months but some of the best advice I received after I gave birth was that now you need to allow yourself to grieve for what life used to be like and how it will never be the same, and then allow this new phase in life to become the norm. You're not alone!
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